Mind, Body, Spirit

Jen

My name is Jennifer, and I'm 17 years old. I live in California in the U.S. I started thinking like an anorexic since 12, but gradually started acting like one at the age of 13. Eventually at the age of 16, I became bulimic and depressed. When I first started this path of hell, I didn't even know I had an eating disorder, I just thought I had this new kind of control.

After that incident, I felt it was okay to eat again. And so I did. But then I started to notice that when I cooked, I ate everything. I kept eating no matter how much. So I made my sister eat more than I, and she would get mad because it was a lot of food. I ate to the point where I would cry because I was so full. My mother would bring me medicine to relieve my fullness every night. I would make a whole pan of food and eat it all. I didn't understand why I would. A few months later, I was the same weight as I was before I lost any. And I was back in martial arts. The first thing my master said was, "Wow you look chubby now, but it's okay, better than looking like a skeleton with your face all hollow." I wanted to cry because I didn't know what to do; be fat or skinny!

Afer that summer, my friends noticed I was skinnier and asked why. I was "ill." Anyway, I met new friends and they made me feel happy for the way I was. So I started eating normal and gained weight. It wasn't until last summer, when I was 16 that I gained so much weight; 130 pounds. Yea, I binged a lot.

This new years I made the decision to stop. I don't want to tell my parents because I'll be humiliated. So it's up to me. I can do it. I tried so much, but failed. Telling my friends was emotional, but they support me. They never know what to say and often ignore me because they feel bad not knowing what to say, but hey at least I still have them. I finally told my counselor, but said if she didn't see progress she would tell my parents. So now I tell her what she wants to hear; it's pointless.

However, I met some beautiful people online with eating disorders and inspired me to recover. So I started. It was hard, but I managed to stop binging and throwing up and eating less for a whole month; this whole month of april. However, I binged once on the first week of May and blah. I get depressed and lonely and don't know why. I've lost so much weight since. What I do now is I don't eat breakfast or lunch and eat a normal dinner. However, I throw up dinner and dance and do sit-ups for 1 hour straight. I can see my bones starting to show and I feel great. I feel happy to have that control back.

However, I feel tired, my eyes have dark circles, my hands are pretty dry, my teeth hurt and bleed, my hair is blah, and I vomit acid a little bit out of no where. It's great. It really is -_-. I cry every day now....don't know why. I stay in my room and make excuses to not go out. I can't enjoy myself. Even when I go on "dates," I don't enjoy any of it; the hugs, compliments, I don't even kiss because I feel not good enough. I'm scared of being alone forever because of this. I feel like giving up because I'm addicted again. However, I can't because now I have Ally and if I fall, she'll fall. I can't let that happen because she deserves the whole world.

I personally do want to change the world, even if it means one person at a time. However, I'm afraid I'll be dead before I do that. I also want to have kids, but I won't be able to if I keep this going. This is not a "food disease" this is a life trap. It kills you every day emotionally and physically. It's living hell. It never shuts up, it never goes away. The emotions are so intense that it keeps me from hanging out with my friends. I have no social life because I'm afraid of people seeing my fat. I do have great grades, but it's because that's all I live up for now. I have no fun, no boy friend, no more hanging out with friends, no more passion, no more martial arts, no more drive, no life. I thought I could beat this on my own, but I was wrong. I need to tell my parents and doctors the truth, but I'm a coward. My parents always make me eat, but never ask what's wrong; I hate them for that.

I really don't know what I'm writing right now because I feel like crap and my stomach hurts. However, all I can say is that it's scary to have your heart beat faster or slower...I never know which. But I can even see it beat out from my chest, it's so loud. It's scary for 10 seconds. I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack or something. And the diarrhea is great too! I have it often now and as a result I'm dehydrated. I feel amazing -_-. I have no more passion for life. How can I help you if I can't help myself.

I haven't been working on this website for a while now because I was so close to killing myself if I saw anything about eating disorders. However, since then I've gotten better. I'm eating healthy now and exercise atleast 2-4 hours a day. I throw up only like once or twice a month...which is better than everyday. I just found out that my closest cousin was bulimic, but recovered. So now I'm doing this for Ally and Jr. =]. However, my hair is starting to fall out a lot and my period hasn't come back yet. I don't know what will happen eventually, but I hope I win this time.

Wow! It has been about four months or so since I've been here. Since then I can say I'm 80% done!!!!! I feel so happy now, it's amazing! Now I'm a healthy 110 pounds and staying that way because I love myself. I love my body, I am beautiful, I am good enough, I am everything I wanna be, and I am ME! I don't know what made me this happy, but I'll try to explain what has happend in the last couple of months.

I broke up with my two best friends because they got tired of me, so I met another friend. She has suffered with depression, so I felt we could help each other. She was there for me every time! One day I ignored her all day and she came to my house out of no where and hugged me without saying words as I started to cry. I will never forget this, I love her so much. Thanks Fabi baby.

Also, I exercise only when I feel like I need to release stress, not to lose weight. Furthermore, due to my lactose in some foods, I've actually enjoyed eating very healthy. Only on weekends is when I eat whatever comes to mind :). I love my body and soul. I am so grateful to have finally stepped out the door.

My counselor found out about this website and according to the law she had to tell my parents. My parents haven't talked to me about it straight out because I know they're afraid, but it's okay, atleast they know. They now support me on anything, and they love me more!

I managed to pass my junior year in highschool with a 4.37 GPA, so that motivated me to follow my dreams to become a traveling pediatrician and writer. If I passed my worst school year with high grades, I could do anything! My senior year now is the best! I have opened up to everyone and everyone has been inspired by my presentations and speeches in class. They are amazed at my progress. I have lost my demons and gained so much life!

My period still hasn't come yet, but that's just how I am. My hair still falls out, but it's because of lack of dairy and meat. I feel dizzy, but that's because I sleep late writing or reading for fun lol. I feel so happy and energetic.

I just heard that Ally is doing great as well! I love her so much for reaching where she is now. I am so proud of her. I know she will amount to anything in life. She has the potential to become the next Buddha or something lol.

Well, some people ask me, "What is your secret towards recovery?" I really don't have an exact answer, but I can list a few. First you have to accept everything in reality. Accept that you have a deadly problem, that you are looking bad, and that you do need help. Once you get there, find different positive ways to get out of it. Trust me, it will take months and years to fully recover, so stick to it. Before I got to where I am, I did cry, binge, throw up, hurt myself, and almost gave up. Keep going, this is for you, your happiness, you deserve it. Now, find people you know are your real friends and that they will support you and compliment you. After that, get real help! Tell your parents, your counselor, a professional, anyone that will help you out professionally. This step is hard, but do it! If you don't, you can't move on to the next step.

Once you do that, start finding yourself again. Throw away anything negative that you have. Buy new clothes, make yourself the way you always wanted, rebuild yourself. This will be a new life, so change! It's okay to change, it's wonderful. Be creative. Now, find new hobbies, passions, friends, relationships, activities, anything. Maybe try something you have always wanted to do!

Now, watch a lot of inspirational movies, listen to nice songs, dance, be yourself! Express yourself! Sometimes I can't help it but put on costumes and run around with the little children and make them laugh. Sometimes I can't help it and sit down next to a stranger and make conversation. It's okay, strangers are friends you haven't met yet. Be someone inspirational.

Yes!!!! Let yourself have that candy, ice cream, of grease balls. It's okay! You can always burn it off later or eat healthier the next day. You only have one life! Enjoy it! Love it! Be happy!

Ally

My name is Alyssa. I'm 16 years old, I live in Sydney, Australia and i've been bulimic since I was 10. My eating disorder started out as a way to lose weight, but slowly it became about being in control of my life. The hate I had developed for myself consumed my life and took over my soul until it was the only way I knew how to live. 

When I was a little girl I was thin, not extremely so, but definitely not fat.  I remember my parents always commenting on my weight, especially my mum. She had been overweight as a kid and I guess she didn't want me to go through the same thing. My diet was always very healthy, if I asked my parents if I could have an ice-cream or something, the answer would always be no, I wasn't even allowed to eat white bread (wholegrain only). Because I was so young I took this to mean that I was too fat. Because my friends were thin, and their parents let them have lollies, this meant I must be fat. I know it sounds stupid, but thats what I remember thinking, when your only 6 or 7 thats how your logic works. I remember always offering to carry things for my friends, or go get them stuff whenever they wanted. I knew that the more I walked around then the more weight I would lose. I would pretend that I felt sick for weeks just so I could eat toast instead of normal meals. Whenever I said I didn't want dessert, or decline a treat I was offered my mum would tell me I was a good girl. I was obsessed with my weight too. For a long time I obsessed which being 24 kilos. I weighed 24kg for 3 years until I was 8. My mum constantly compared me to the perfect daughter she had in her mind. She'd always say stuff like "I always imagined if I had a daughter she'd be more graceful and polite" or "I never imagined my daughter being such a pig". It did wonders for my self esteem, it really did.  

There's nothing wrong with eating only healthy food, but I do blame my parents for my eating disorder. I don't want to, but deep down I know that even if they love me, no one has the right to make a child feel bad about themselves. Even if they wanted me to be healthy, they shouldn't have said I was bad if I wanted a snack. I was just a kid, all kids deserve treats now and then. No, they just wanted a thin perfect daughter to show off to their friends and I have never been that daughter. I think my eating disorder has been a part of me for a long time, even if it wasn't a big part of me. I remember I throwing my lunch in the bin everyday in kindergarten. I think it was because I wanted to be different but also because that was around the time I worked out "fat=bad". Eventually a girl saw and she told the teacher and when the teacher told my parents I said "I don't like peanut butter" even though I did. I got in trouble for throwing away good food. I was about 5 years old.

 I wish my parents could just accept me and talk to me. They still refuse to talk about my eating disorder. They just send me to counselling, or send me to the doctor, just try and fix the problem without having to address the fact that it exists.  I try to talk to my mum about it and she changes the subject. It breaks my heart. 

One of my most vivid memories was from when I was 10. I had gone to a fair with my parents and my best friend. I bought a chocolate ice cream and my dad freaked out. He said I was going to end up obese, and because my heart had been hurting that morning this freaked me out. I was crying and I was so embarrassed that my best friend was listening to my dad yell at me and now everyone was going to think I was a pig. It was that day that I decided I wasn't going to be 'fat' anymore. I didn't want to have a heart attack and I didn't want my dad to keep being angry at me. Then I learned how you could make yourself throw up. I thought this would be really great because I could still eat as much as I wanted, but wouldn't gain weight! Perfect right? So I would try to make myself throw up every day before I went to bed (I thought this was because all the food you ate during the day went straight to your stomach, and you digested it when you slept). I really liked throwing up, my mum was pregnant with my sister at the time and was constantly throwing up so it seemed normal to me I guess. It tasted bad but the 'sensation' was good. I felt really pure like I wasn't just throwing up up food, I was throwing up all the bad stuff inside me. I don't really remember how often I threw up, only that I really liked it when I did. If I had to guess I would say I threw up maybe 3 or 4 times a week?? I don't really remember the first time I purged. I just remember the taste, and that my fingers were too short so I used a toothbrush.

Then when I started high school when I was 12 I gained a bit of weight. I was about 50 kilos. And I felt a lot different to the other, thinner girls. I wanted them to like me, which make my self-esteem really low, because some of the girls would tease me and say I was fat and ugly. I think that this was because I seemed intimidating, and I hung out with boys a lot more than girls. I started ballet classes again (I had done ballet when I was ages 3-7 I think, but I had to stop because the studio closed down) because I wanted to make friends and lose weight. But I also continued to throw up at least once a week, it had just become a habit, and it always made me feel better to cry and throw up when I felt sad. It was comforting to me because I was so used to it after almost 2 years. I heard about girls who were anorexic or bulimic but I never made the connection between them and myself. My eating disorder was just too familiar to be something wrong. When I thought 'anorexic' I thought 'really thin', and when I thought 'bulimic' I thought 'they have a problem'. I was still in the healthy weight range, and I seemed fine health-wise so I thought I was normal, I mean everyone was always going on and on about their weight. So I just thought "anorexia=skinny, to be skinny you don't eat, and I eat a lot". And I did eat a lot, but it never stayed down. I started to throw up everyday as I got to year 8, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day if I felt like. It just felt so good, I was so addicted to it. Throwing up took my pain away. When I vomited I purged my emotion and my hate out of my body. I saw myself as very very ugly, and extremely fat. If a boy ever talked to me I would be confused, because why would he talk to me? There wasn't a single good thing about me. But I was proud of the fact that I could make myself throw up. I was proud that my bones stuck out. I loved that I could do a lot of sit ups and push ups and crunches and squats and not stop. I think loved my eating disorder a lot more than I loved myself. 

In year 10 when I was 15 I weighed 42 kilos. I was eating less than 800 calories during the day, going to ballet and then going home and throwing up. I got teased a lot at school. I wasn't pretty or outgoing and I was really shy and had anxiety issues, so I wasn't good at talking to people I didn't know. I had a small group of friends and my best friend who would sit next to me in every class and stand up for me. He stood by me even though I wasn't a very good friend. My friends started to notice that I didn't eat much, and would say things like "god your too skinny, eat something". But they never were really concerned, they just thought I didn't get that hungry or I was 'naturally thin'. I never ate at school, I ate at home by myself. I never ate in front of other people, except my family. I didn't want people to judge me. I always imagined that if I ate at school, the people walking by would think "there's that chubby girl Ally, stuffing her face again. No wonder she's so fat". I had this voice in my head, telling me how fat I was, how pathetic I was, that everyone laughed at me behind my back because I was too fat and if I could just get to 39 kilos then I would be thin and everyone would like me.  I never had a name for this voice, it wasn't 'Ana' or 'Mia'.  I just thought it was my conscience. But it was unbearable at times, this voice. The weirdest thing was I couldn't tell if it was real or if I was making it up. You should know if your saying stuff to yourself right? But I couldn't tell and it scared me. I had to do what the voice told me or it said it would take over my mind. It didn't allow me anything. I wasn't good enough for anything. I deserved pain and I deserved to suffer. I didn't deserve food because I was so pathetic. No one loved me. Why would someone care about something as fat and disgusting as me? Sometimes I would eat until I could hardly stand up and my stomach felt like it was actually going to explode. Then I would throw up until I fainted. Then I would cry because I had failed again, and I always failed. I binged a lot , I would eat thousands of calories at a time. In a binge I would eat maybe 5 bowls of cereal, a loaf of bread, a jar of nutella, maybe 2 or 3 sandwiches, whatever leftovers we had, and a bottle of diet coke. Sometimes even more than that. Then I would feel horrible and guilty and disgusting and I would vomit sometimes up to 12 times if I binged really badly. This was maybe once or twice a fortnight when I was home alone. There's something hypnotic about bingeing and purging, like once you start a binge you cant stop. You just can't. It's horrible. If it was a binge night, as soon as I got home I would just automatically go to the kitchen and eat and then the bathroom and throw up. Sometimes I would stand in the bathroom for about 5 minutes, absolutely still and cry because I knew if I moved I would go to the toilet and throw up, and if I ran up to my room for the rest of the evening I would be thinking "I need to throw up. I need to throw up. I need to throw up" until I would cave in and go and throw up, because I thought it was pointless to resist or the voice would drive me crazy. It got to the point that I wouldn't be able to sleep, knowing that I hadn't thrown up today. I would just lie in bed begging myself to go to sleep, and not being able to because I just wanted to go and vomit. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night, go to the bathroom and turn on the tap so you couldn't hear me, and vomit up whatever was left.  

I started to become more paranoid and obsessive. It didn't matter to me if I blew off my friends to go home and work out or binge and purge. As long as I had people to sit with at school, I didn't care about anything else but being skinny, I didn't care if my teeth rotted (I could always get a dentist to fix them) from throwing up or if other girls hated me (they were just jealous). I just wanted to be thin. I saw food as evil, it scared the hell out of me that I was dependent this. It scared me that I would die without it, and I felt like it was using this to try and make me fat. I know it sounds stupid but I wanted to 'outsmart' food?? I don't know how to explain it. I wanted to have power over what I did to my body, whenever I threw up I thought 'haha I beat you, I won't let anything make me fat". I really truly hated food. I hated how everyone was expected to eat and when I didn't want to it was weird. I hated how 'cute' it was that everyone brought lunch to school and ate it together. I hated how food was the one thing in my life I couldn't control. I hated when people would complain about their weight or say they were too fat. I would think "why not throw upl? It's not that hard". I saw them as weak. But now I can see that I was the weak one. I let this disease have power over me, not food. Food doesn't seek control, its there to give us a source of energy. Food can be used or abused, but it isn't trying to make you fat. Anorexia is so it can have a greater control over you. God, I was so stupid. 

Then the worst event of my entire life happened. My best friend (I think i'll call him 'Ben') told me he had an eating disorder. He said he had been bulimic for almost two years. Unless you've been through the same thing, you have no idea how much it hurts to have someone you love tell you that. I had never called myself bulimic before. I had heard the term, and deep down I knew I was, but I had never let myself think about eating disorders for long enough to say to myself "i have an eating disorder". It was just something I didn't like to think about, just do. But when Ben told me that it stirred something deep inside my brain that I couldn't bear to think about, and I was forced to. I told him I was bulimic too, it was the first time I had ever told someone. Ben told me that he was going to kill himself, I couldn't do anything to stop him, but he would call me before he did to say good bye. God, it eats me up inside. I spent the hours lying in bed shivering and crying. I'm crying now just remembering it. I didn't know what to do and Ben was going to die and it was going to be my fault because I was the only person he trusted and I couldn't help him. I had taken him so much for granted and I had been so stupid and self-involved that I hadn't even noticed he had a problem. That was the worst part, because I didn't want to lose him but I didn't know how to keep him and if I had just paid more attention then he wouldn't be like this.

Ben attempted suicide a few days later but survived. He didn't call me but he left me a note in my locker at school. I'm not going to say what it said but it was the saddest thing in the whole world.  Ben was away from school for a long time. This gave me a lot of time to think, I realised that there was something seriously wrong with me. This voice in my head wasn't my conscience, it wasn't my friend, it was my demon. I didn't want Ben to die, I wanted to help him. And to help him I had to show him it was possible to make demons go away. I stopped throwing up, for about a week. At this point I was 15, and 38 kilos. But now I wanted to get to 35 kilos, because I couldn't see any difference in my body. Then one day I fainted at school. The school nurse called my parents and said that my weight was dangerously low, and I should go to hospital. The doctors asked me some questions about food and my body. I had thought I would always lie if someone asked me about my eating disorder, but I just wanted it to go away. I didn't want to be thin anymore if it meant living in a world without Ben. So I told them everything and after 3 horrible hours they diagnosed me with anorexia, bulimia and compulsive over-eating. My parents found out of course, they were very upset and booked me into a ed treatment facility. Then about 2  or 3 weeks later Ben came back to school. I told him what had happened to me and he said I was really brave. He said if I stopped being bulimic, then he would too. Later I found out he just said that so i'd stop, but I believed him at the time and that was my motivation for recovery. We would help each other, he would tell me I wasn't fat and hug me when I complained and I would tell him he was perfect and I made him promise he would never try to hurt himself again. It was great to finally be able to talk to someone. I kept telling myself that we could do this together, I would help him and he would help me. It made me so happy that there was a chance that this thing that I had been living with for so long was going to be over! I knew we could do it together, and for a while he believe it too. He helped me so much and I owe him my life. 

For a long time doctors told me I couldn't have kids because I damaged my body too much. A few weeks ago I found out I can. I was so happy I cried. People take that so much for granted. I don't want to take anything or anyone for granted anymore. I love my life. I love having a girls body instead of hardly having a body at all. I love my family and my beautiful friends. I love the fact that I've been through all this and haven't given up. I just hope that you can read my story and think about your own life, please never waste a single second, because you can never get time back once its gone. I had to learn that the hard way. I'm no one special, I'm not very smart. I'm not going to change the world. But if just one person can read this and think twice about destroying themselves then I will have achieved my purpose in life. Eating disorders are hell. Living is amazing. If you could choose between going to hell and having a great life which would you choose? Don't make the same mistake I did. One person can only resist living for so long. Then they have two options: Die and make so many peoples lives hell, or have the strength and determination to admit their mistakes and be happy and live. I chose option two. I chose life over death and it was the best choice I've ever made. So many people choose death. Please don't become one of them. The thing about eating disorders are that they are with you FOREVER. This has scarred me for life and every day I will think about this, every day for the rest of my life I will be tempted to go back and starve and vomit again. But I won't let that happen. I've been to hell. It's pretty overrated. My physical consequences of my eating disorder will be with me forever, I need to get an operation on for my throat and teeth, but I WILL beat this. I will do this because more than anything else in the world I want to help Jen do this. She is so beautiful and her support means so much to me and I know she can do it and I want to give her the same support and inspiration she gave me. And if your reading this, thank you for listening to my story =] I'm really sorry it was really long so I hope you weren't too bored, I totally got carried away sorry. And best of luck to you, I hope one day you can overcome whatever demons you have, I promise you we can do this together! I have hope that one day this world will the perfect place we want to make it. I know we can do it. Don't give up! 

Love Ally

xx