Mind, Body, Spirit

It is the hardest thing in the world to ask for help. It is the most terrifying thing to tell someone, especially parents or friends. But that doesn't mean you have to do this alone. You are never ever alone, everyone has people who care about them, its impossible for there not to be It is possible to recover without professional help if you want to. You don't need to tell anyone, but its a lot harder if your doing this by yourself. If it scares you too much to tell your parents then try telling a trusted friend. You can recover. Hundreds of thousands of people have. I know people who have. So you can too. And you do deserve to recover, don't ever tell yourself otherwise. Everyone deserves to be free. 

The first step to getting healthy is deciding you want to. The second step is trying to find someone who will listen, be it a friend or a trusted adult, or even someone from a helpline. The third step is slowly to try and remove things from your environment that could trigger you, for example try to stop reading magazines and watch less tv (I know its hard =]) and if talk to your family if they are being disrespectful or stressing you out. That's very important for you to be in a safe environment. The fourth step is to take baby steps towards being healthier. If you eat 400 calories a day, tomorrow try to eat 450 and keep it in. Then the next day try 470 or even 500 cals. You don't have to do this quickly, remember than every day you do something better, no matter how small, you are recovering. Try to get up to 1200 calories a day eventually. The fifth step is to try and keep this up for a period of time. For example if you are trying not to binge/purge then set a limit; eg "I won't binge/purge for a week". Then once you get to a week, celebrate by buying yourself something nice like a new bag or a book or perfume or dvds or something you enjoy. Celebrate getting better. Then you can try for two weeks, three weeks etc. This step is a lot easier if you have a friend who knows what's going on. This way whenever you feel like giving up you can call them and ask for support. Then you have to not give up. Don't worry if you occasionally slip and give in to your eating disorder, we aren't perfect and when you do slip up think about how bad you feel and then the next time you feel like giving up again think about how bad you felt, and the reason you wanted to recover in the first place. Just remember that your are better than this. It's important to realise that this isn't just an instant transformation, this is a very brave and amazing thing you are doing and its normal to slip up occasionally. As long as you accept that you did and keep going. There is no obstacle you can't overcome and nothing that can stop your recovery if you can accept your flaws, and embrace them. 

I don't know about you, but I want to grow up to have a good job and a good family, I want to have children and let them grow up and have the childhood I never had. I want to gain 5 kilos so I can say that I've truly beaten anorexia. I want my best friend to come back and live next door to me again. That's all I want. I don't want to be perfect anymore, I just want to be happy. I just want a normal life. I want to live to be an old woman with lots of stories to tell my grandchildren. I want the life I could have been living for the past 16 years if I wasn't so blind. I want to be able to live my without having to worry about death. Having an eating disorder has already wasted so much of my life, well not anymore. I want to say I have lived, not that I have spent my life obsessing over a disease. I don't care about being a stick-thin ballerina anymore. I had to quit ballet because my parents said it was making me lose too much weight. Maybe one day when I've fully recovered I'll start dancing again. Because I truly do love dancing, and my stupid eating disorder ruined everything I was ever passionate about.  That's why I chose to recover, so I could live again. I don't give in anymore, I refuse to live my life by anyone's rules but my own. I don't want to die. I am young and I have my whole life ahead of me. When I grow old I want to be able to say I lived my life to the fullest. You don't have to be a victim anymore. You can have what you want to, don't give in to your eating disorder, your life is full of opportunities to be so much more than a victim of this. This whole disease, it's not living. It's hiding and pretending to live so you don't have to face what's eating you alive. Life was meant to be lived, not hidden from. Look forward to the future, not back to the past. Just keep your vision fixed ahead to when you can live without fear of the demons that consume you. 

Here are some numbers you can call to get some help. They are all free, and completely anonymous. Hopefully there's one you can call no matter where you live:

Bulimia and Self-Help Hotline (USA): 1-314-588-1683

 I think recovery is like a carousel. It can make you feel dizzy and is sometimes overwhelming, but you just have to try and enjoy the ride without throwing up. Then when you finish and get off you laugh and feel very happy. 

 You are never alone

Recovery means admitting your problems and mistakes and trying to let go of them and start to look towards the future instead of continuing to be trapped in your little bubble of hate and death. Recovery isn't just about doctors and going to fancy hospitals or clinics. It's about regaining the freedom that eating disorders stole and giving yourself the courage to learn become yourself again. Recovery is learning to stop letting opportunity pass you by. It's about doing things you don't want to do, but have to do. It’s about eating for other people who love you. Recovery is wanting to keep starving, keep running, and keep throwing up but having the strength to say “No I won’t let you steal my life or anything else away from me anymore.” It’s about showing the world that you aren’t afraid anymore and your not taking anymore of anyone’s crap, especially not your own. Recovery is saying “look at me. I don’t care what I look like! I'm strong and amazing and I don’t care what you want me to be Ana, I don't love you and you don't own me anymore!” It's letting go of your hate and allowing yourself to do what you want, seeing your inner beauty and being at peace with who you are. 

Recovery is a very hard process and it requires a lot of determination. It is hard to let go of something which is such a big part of your life. I'm currently recovering from various eating disorders and it has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But it is also the thing I am most proud of, the thing i'm most glad about and the thing that saved my life and so many other lives too. It is so worth it, if only in the end. To recover truly you have to say "I need help. I want help. Please help me". And you have to mean it. There are lots of ways to get help once you want to. It's hard as to do it without telling anyone, but it is so possible if you want it enough. Anything is possible if your heart and soul want it enough. I know how painfully hard it is to tell your parents, yeah it's scary and of course you can recover without them finding out. But as hard as recovering is, it's a lot harder not to recover, in the long run. I went to a recovery centre, far away from anything that could influence me to be anorexic. And I think even though it was hard, it saved my life, let me say "you are beautiful" to the mirror and mean it, and helped to make me a much better person. Any form of recovery is great, it is truly a wonderful experience.  

Another good idea is to save your money and buy some new clothes as you gain more weight. When you feel fat or sad about your appearance, buy yourself a reward. It doesn't matter what, just something that you will enjoy. I know that this way may seem easy, but it's not, but in the long run recovering is a lot easier than not recovering. Because when you are recovering you are in a lot of mental pain and it is so confusing and hard but eventually you do recover, and then even if life isn't perfect at least it isn't as bad as living with an eating disorder. By keeping your eating disorder you will have a guarantee of pain and suffering for the rest of your short life until it finally kills you and at last, after your whole wasted life you cease to exist, after hurting and being tortured for way too many years. Wow, how great does that sound? So which would you prefer? A hard path which is rewarded by eternal happiness, or a lifetime of suffering while you make the people around you want to die. You decide. You can save yourself and others much hardship by making the choice to recover now. You can still save your life if you can be strong now, you will be so much happier when this is over. And only you can make that choice about whether you want that or not. Only you are in control of your destiny.  

 I think recovery, true recovery, is loving and accepting yourself. Realising that yes, you aren't as thin as you want to be. But then realise that you made impossible expectations of your body and mind. Accepting that you have such a small chance of even being born, and nothing can make you throw that way. Recovery isn't about gaining weight, its about being able to live without fear and hate and being able to smile like you mean it. Recovery is about rediscovering the things in your life you took for granted and treasuring them. Recovery is making sacrifices, pushing yourself, and teaching yourself how to live again. It's about becoming your own person and not what this disease wants you to be. Its about being healthy and not obsessing over foods. Its about not caring if you are feeling 'fat' or 'un-pure' and learning to forget these feelings. Recovery is letting go of everything that held you back and pulling yourself out of this hole of pain and self-hate and love life again. Recovery is standing up straight and being able to say "I can do this". Recovery is the most amazing thing that anyone can ever accomplish. It is hard, but not impossible. Nothing is impossible when your heart truly wants it bad enough.